Mar-a-Lago: June 20
President Donald J Trump took to Twitter this afternoon to urge the nation to unite around the USA soccer team in the World Cup Finals in Russia.

“Failing New York Times says USA didn’t qualify for World Cup,” Trump tweeted. “FAKE NEWS!! We’re there, we’re gonna win, we’re gonna win big! AMERICA FIRST!”

According to the White House, the USA will play Canada on Friday in its opening match of the tournament. The encounter has become an unlikely grudge match after Trump launched a scathing attack on Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at the G7 Summit earlier this month, calling him “very dishonest and weak”. Trump also claimed Canada had burned down the White House in 1812, although historians agree the attack was in fact carried out by first-generation English soccer hooligans.

Last night Trump advisor Kellyanne Conwoman suggested Trump’s attacks on Trudeau were a deliberate ploy to get under the Canadians’ skins and disrupt their renowned sangfroid ahead of Friday’s big game. “The President was simply following the lead of respected soccer coaches such as Sir Alex Ferguson, Jose Mourinho and Pepperoni Guardiola,” said Conwoman. “He was screwing with Trudeau, trying to get inside his head.”

“The President likes trying to get inside people and screw them,” she added.

Canada represents the USA’s best chance of getting bragging rights over a neighbor during the World Cup. Mexico is a much tougher potential opponent – and the two sides will only get to meet in the knockout rounds if the USA finishes first or second in Group K. That’s a big ask. Group K, which also includes North Korea and the Maldives, has been labeled the “Group of Death”, the name traditionally given to the most competitive World Cup group – although in this case the description owes less to the quality of the teams and more to the oft-expressed wishes of two participants to nuke the shit out of each other.

Trump appears to be closely following the World Cup, tweeting praise on Saturday for Iceland after it pulled off an unlikely 1-1 draw against one of the tournament giants, Argentina. “Iceland will be World Champions! Great country, great team, GREAT PEOPLE! Big, strong, white, blue-eyed, no Latinos. WHEN WILL WE LEARN?”

On Sunday, the White House said it had no comment after Mexico notched up a shock 1-0 victory over Germany.